By following six simple steps, you can
increase intimacy and open the
Proverbial emotional doors that might be
standing between you:
1. Accept your partner as he is -- and
do the same for yourself. Stop telling your partner what is
wrong with him. When a person feels judged or criticized, he can never open up
and become close to you. Drop the desire to change him, and say to yourself, I
will let this person be as he is and let go of my wish to control him.
2. Focus on what's right about
your partner -- and tell him about it.
Realize that you fell in love with your partner for a reason. Focus on whatever
it was that drew you to him in the first place. Was it that wacky sense of
humor? His potential to be a great father? That sweet smile? Then, remind him of
all the things he does to make you happy. So often, we communicate the
complaints but keep silent about the compliments. Instead, make a point of
letting your partner know whenever he does something to please you, or when
there is something about him that you genuinely like and respect. The rewards
are twofold: First, you are giving your partner a confidence boost, and second,
your praise clues him in to what qualities are meaningful to you.
3. Listen with love.
Want to know a secret? When a person feels as though he is really being heard,
he feels loved. Listening means turning off our own inner monologue and drama
and really being there for another person. The person should feel free to say
whatever is on his mind. You do not correct, interrupt or bring up another
instance when you thought that he was wrong. Instead, by really listening you
create an environment where the other feels and is "heard."
To practice this exercise, clear your mind and
focus only on your partner and what he is saying to you. Offer no response.
Listen carefully and then paraphrase what he said to you, so he knows you are
following him. For example, you could say, "I heard you say that you feel
you need more space." Stop yourself from commenting or analyzing the
statement. Just let him know that you heard him -- and
that you're not thinking of ways to criticize or change what he had to say.
4. Smart talk. Many
people keep things to themselves -- minor grievances,
disappointments, wishes. They believe that if they are really in love, their
partners should automatically know what's going on, much like a child's
expectations of her parents. As an adult who is communicating to achieve
intimacy, you should do the reverse. Let the person know how you are truly
feeling, what you need, what hopes you harbor. In this way, you are sharing
your true self. But don't blame your partner if something hurts or disappoints
you. Instead, take responsibility for your own feelings.
5. Ask and ye shall receive.
Some people seem to think that if they ask their partner for something -- a
hug, more help around the house, better sex -- they will
be rejected or shamed. Confessing your true wants and needs requires the
willingness to be open and vulnerable -- but the rewards
will make it all worth it.
Once you ask for what you want, allow yourself
to receive it and offer thanks. When you forget to express gratitude, you leave
the giver feeling a bit like a failure. Make sure you let your partner know how
much his gifts mean to you. Of course, this goes both ways. Find out what your
partner truly desires, and see if you can fulfill his wishes. If either of you
has trouble meeting the other's wants and needs, openly discuss what is
preventing you from doing so -- and how you might be
able to compromise.
6. Become your own best friend.
You will never get close to a partner unless you like and respect yourself.
Self-rejection is one of the major stumbling blocks in a relationship. Often,
people blame their partners for the things they dislike about themselves.
Treat yourself with kindness and patience. This is wonderful preparation for intimate relationships. When you come to your partner feeling good about yourself, he will feel good about you as well.
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