Talking to your teen openly and honestly about sex, being sure
to cover everything from oral sex to STDs, is one way to ensure your child's
health and well-being. Here's how
1. Admit that sexuality is positive. (Perhaps the hardest thing to admit to a child on the brink of lust and love.) If you cast sex as negative, as in "Don't do it!" then your child will simply tune you out.
2. Don't give boys short shrift. Broaching sexuality is easier with girls, because you can
start with menstruation. With boys, talking about wet dreams and ejaculation is
far more disquieting. It's hardly surprising then, that surveys show girls get
far more information about their bodies and sexual urges than boys.
3. Define sexual behavior as a
romantic progression. Explain
that sexual attraction begins with a smile and proceeds along a path from
kissing, to touching and onto intercourse. Remember first base (kissing),
second base (petting above the waist), third base (petting below the waist)?
Ask if kids still use this home run lingo. A step-by-step approach ensures that
a child can stop at any time. Make that point.
4. Girls and boys require
different instructions. Take the
issue of consent, for example. Girls need to learn to say no firmly looking a
boy straight in the face. Sometimes girls look away or say nothing; this can be
misinterpreted by a boy who continues making sexual advances. Boys need to be
warned of the danger of assuming consent. He may be liable for charges of date
rape or sexual abuse.
5. Listen carefully to your
child's comments. Each generation has different
sexual expressions and values. Think back to the 60s or 70s. Remember your
parents' take on free love? Begin to learn today's lingo and norms. Then you
know where to start.
6. Clarify the danger of oral
sex. In today's culture, oral sex
is considered casual and convenient. Raised in the shadow of AIDS, our children
seize upon oral sex, thinking its safe sex and, technically, doesn't undo
virginity. Explain that any exchange of bodily fluid can result in STDs or HIV.
Define abstinence.
7. Offer a checklist for sexual
decision-making. How does someone decide it's
right to have sexual intercourse? Discuss typical reasons. Love. Boyfriend or
girlfriend pressure. Pressure from peers. Lower inhibitions after drinking or
using drugs. Here is where you inject your values -- when and why one would
take this step.
8. Link sex to emotional
consequences. Sex is a physical drive, but
with emotional connections. Put sex in a loving context. Explain how it bonds
people deeply. Once sex happens people are more vulnerable. Broken hearts hurt
more. Reputations get juicier. Regrets happen.
9. No parent gets off the hook. Mothers and fathers each bring important perspectives to sex
talks. Boys need to hear from their fathers about what is appropriate and
what's not. Only mothers can demystify women to their sons; only dads can
explain men to their daughters.
10. Take advantage of all the
help you can get. TV, movies, magazine
articles, newspaper stories -- all provide teachable moments. Use everyday
opportunities to comment and listen to opinions from your young adolescent. The
sex talk is an ongoing educational conversation.
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