Guide to
Flirting
v The first key to successful flirting is not an ability to show
off and impress, but the knack of conveying that you like someone. If your
'target' knows that you find him or her interesting and attractive, he or she
will be more inclined to like you.
v Although this simple fact has been demonstrated in countless
studies and experiments, you don't really need scientists to prove it. You
already know that when you are told someone fancies you, or hear that someone
has praised or admired you, your interest in that person automatically
increases – even if it is someone you have never met!
v Conveying that you like someone, and judging whether or not the
attraction is mutual, clearly involves a combination of verbal and non-verbal
communication skills.
v When asked about flirting, most people – particularly men –
focus on the verbal element: the 'chatting-up', the problems of knowing what to
say, finding the right words, etc. In fact, the non-verbal element –
body-language, tone of voice, etc. – is much more important, particularly in
the initial stages of a flirtation.
v When you first meet new people, their initial impression of you
will be based 55% on your appearance and body-language, 38% on your style of
speaking and only 7% on what you actually say.
v Also, their non-verbal signals will tell you much more about
their feelings towards you than the words they use. We show attitudes such as
liking and disliking not by what we say but by the way we say it and the
posture, gestures and expressions that accompany our speech.
v The customary polite greeting "pleased to meet you",
for example, can convey anything from 'I find you really attractive' to 'I am
not the slightest bit interested in you', depending on the tone of voice,
facial expression, position and posture of the speaker.
Non-verbal
flirting
¬ When a man and a woman meet for the first time, both are in a
difficult, ambiguous and potentially risky situation. Neither person knows what
the other's intentions and feelings are. Because stating intentions and
feelings verbally involves a high risk of embarrassment or possible rejection,
non-verbal behaviour becomes the main channel of communication. Unlike the
spoken word, body language can signal invitation, acceptance or refusal without
being too obvious, without causing offence or making binding commitments.
¬ Warning: some of the non-verbal flirting techniques outlined in
this section are very powerful signals, and should be used with caution. Women
should be particularly careful when using signals of interest and attraction.
Men already tend to mistake friendliness for flirting; if your signals of
interest are too direct and obvious, they will mistake them for sexual
availability.
Eye contact
Ø Your eyes are probably your most important flirting tool. We
tend to think of our eyes mainly as a means of receiving information, but they
are also extremely high-powered transmitters of vital social signals. How you
look at another person, meet his or her gaze and look away can make all the
difference between a successful, enjoyable flirtation and an embarrassing or
hurtful encounter.
Ø Eye contact – looking directly into the eyes of another person –
is such a powerful, emotionally loaded act of communication that we normally
restrict it to very brief glances. Prolonged eye contact between two people
indicates intense emotion, and is either an act of love or an act of hostility.
It is so disturbing that in normal social encounters, we avoid eye contacts of
more than one second. Among a crowd of strangers in a public setting, eye
contacts will generally last only a fraction of second, and most people will
avoid making any eye contact at all.
Ø This is very good news for anyone wishing to initiate a
flirtation with an attractive stranger. Even from across a crowded room at a
party, you can signal your interest in someone merely by making eye contact and
attempting to hold your target's gaze for more than one second (not too much
more, though, or you will seem threatening). If your target maintains eye
contact with you for more than one second, the chances are that he/she might
return your interest. If after this initial contact, your target looks away
briefly and then looks back to meet your gaze a second time, you can safely
assume that he/she is interested. If these eye contacts trigger a smile, you
can approach your target with some confidence.
Ø If, on the other hand, your target avoids making eye contact
with you, or looks away after a fraction of a second and does not look back
again, you should probably assume that your interest is not returned. There is
still the possibility that your target is just a very shy person – and some
females may be understandably wary of signalling any interest in male
strangers. The only way to find out is by close observation of your target's
behaviour towards others. Does she consistently avoid direct eye-contact with
men? Does he seem nervous, anxious or aloof in his interactions with other
women? If so, your target's reluctance to meet your gaze may be nothing
personal, and it might be worth approaching, but only with considerable
caution.
Ø Once you have approached your target, you will need to make eye
contact again in order to strike up a conversation. As soon as your eyes meet,
you may begin to speak. Once a conversation begins, it is normal for eye
contact to be broken as the speaker looks away. In conversations, the person
who is speaking looks away more than the person who is listening, and
turn-taking is governed by a characteristic pattern of looking, eye contact and
looking away.
Ø So, to signal that you have finished speaking and invite a
response, you then look back at your target again. To show interest while your
target is speaking, you need to look at his/her face about three-quarters of
the time, in glances lasting between one and seven seconds. The person speaking
will normally look at you for less than half this time, and direct eye contact
will be intermittent, rarely lasting more than one second. When your target has
finished speaking, and expects a response, he or she will look at you and make
brief eye contact again to indicate that it is your turn.
Ø The basic rules for pleasant conversation are: glance at the
other person's face more when you are listening, glance away more when you are
speaking and make brief eye contact to initiate turn-taking. The key words here
are 'glance' and 'brief': avoid prolonged staring either at the other person or
away.
Ø The most common mistake people make when flirting is to overdo
the eye contact in a premature attempt to increase intimacy. This only makes
the other person feel uncomfortable, and may send misleading signals. Some men
also blow their chances by carrying on a conversation with a woman's breasts,
rather than looking at her face.
Interpersonal
distance
ü The distance you keep from the other person when flirting is
important, because it will affect his or her impression of you, and the quality
of your interaction. Perhaps even more importantly, paying attention to the
other person's use of distance will tell you a great deal about his/her
reactions and feelings towards you.
ü When you first approach an attractive stranger, having
established at least an indication of mutual interest through eye contact, try
to make eye contact again at about 4ft away, before moving any closer. At 4 ft
(about two small steps away), you are on the borderline between what are known
as the 'social zone' (4 to 12 ft) and the 'personal zone' (18in to 4ft).
ü If you receive a positive response at 4ft, move in to 'arm's
length' (about 2ft 6in). If you try to approach much closer than this,
particularly if you try to cross the 18in 'personal zone/intimate zone' border,
your target may feel uncomfortable. The 'intimate zone' (less than 18in) is
reserved for lovers, family and very close friends. If you are close enough to
whisper and be heard, you are probably too close for comfort.
ü These distance rules apply particularly in face-to-face
encounters. We will tolerate reduced interpersonal distances when we are side
by side with someone. This is because when you are alongside someone, it is
easier to use other aspects of body language, such as turning away or avoiding
eye contact, to 'limit' your level of involvement with the other person.
ü You can therefore approach a bit closer than 'arm's length' if
you are alongside your target – at the bar counter of a pub, for example –
rather than face-to-face. But be careful to avoid 'intrusive' body-language
such as prolonged eye contact or touching.
ü If you have misjudged the appropriate distance, in either a
face-to-face or side-by-side encounter, the other person's discomfort may show
in his/her body language. Your target may attempt to turn away or avert his/her
gaze to avoid eye contact. You may also see 'barrier signals' such as folded or
tightly crossed legs, or rubbing the neck with the elbow pointed towards you.
If you see any of these signs, back off!
ü Finally, remember that different people have different reactions
to distance. If your target is from a Mediterranean or Latin American country
(known as the 'contact cultures'), he or she may be comfortable with closer
distances than a British or Northern European person. North Americans fall
somewhere between these two extremes. Different personality-types may also
react differently to your approach: extroverts and those who generally feel at
ease in company will be comfortable with closer distances than introverts and
shy or nervous types. Even the same person may vary in tolerance from day to
day, according to mood: when we are feeling depressed or irritable, we find
close distances more uncomfortable.
Posture
v Most of us are quite good at controlling our faces – maintaining
an expression of polite interest, for example, when we are really bored to
tears, or even nodding when we really disagree! But we tend to be less
conscious of what the rest of our body is doing. We may be smiling and nodding,
but unconsciously revealing our disagreement by a tense posture with tightly
folded arms. This is known as 'non-verbal leakage': while we're busy
controlling our words and faces, our real feelings 'leak out' in our posture.
v When flirting, you should therefore watch out for signs of this
'non-verbal leakage' in your partner's posture – and try to send the right
signals with your own posture.
v Your partner's 'non-verbal leakage' can give you advance warning
that your chat-up isn't working. If only his/her head is turned towards you,
with the rest of the body oriented in another direction, this is a sign that
you do not have your partner's full attention. Even just the feet starting to
turn and 'point' away from you can be a sign that his/her attention is directed
elsewhere, or that he/she is thinking about moving away. Leaning backwards and
supporting the head on one hand are signs of boredom. 'Closed' postures with
arms folded and legs tightly crossed indicate disagreement or dislike.
v More positive signs to watch out for would be a partner's body
oriented towards you, particularly if he/she is also leaning forward, and an
'open' posture. These are signs of attentiveness and interest or liking.
Experiments have also shown that females are more likely to tilt their heads to
one side when they are interested in the person they are talking to. Men should
beware, however, of automatically assuming that these signs indicate sexual interest.
Women should be aware of men's tendency to make such assumptions, and avoid
signalling interest too obviously.
v Another positive sign is what psychologists call 'postural
congruence' or 'postural echo': when your partner unconsciously adopts a posture
similar to yours. Mirror-image postural echoes – where one person's left side
'matches' the other person's right side – are the strongest indication of
harmony and rapport between the pair. If the position of your partner's body
and limbs appear to 'echo' or 'mimic' your own, particularly if his/her posture
is a mirror image of yours, the chances are that he/she feels an affinity with
you.
v When flirting, you can also use postural echo to create a
feeling of togetherness and harmony. Experiments have shown that although
people are not consciously aware of someone deliberately 'echoing' their
postures, they will evaluate a person who does this more favourably. If you
'echo' your partner's postures, he/she will not only feel more at ease in your
company, but will perceive you as more like-minded.
v This technique obviously has its limits. We would not suggest,
for example, that a woman in a mini-skirt should 'echo' the open-legged sitting
posture of her male companion. But if he is leaning forward with his left
forearm resting on the table, she could create a sense of common identity by
'mirroring' this aspect of his posture – leaning forward with her right forearm
on the table.
v In addition to these 'generic' signals of interest, there are
specifically male and female posture signals which are often seen in
flirtatious encounters. These tend to be postures which enhance the masculine
or dominant appearance of the male, and the femininity of the female. Males may
adopt postures which make them appear taller, larger and more impressive, such
as placing hands in pockets with elbows out to enlarge the chest, or leaning
one hand at above shoulder height on a wall to appear taller and more imposing.
Females either adopt postures which make them look smaller, such as drawing the
knees towards the body when seated, or postures which draw attention to
physical attributes attractive to males, such as arching the back to display
the breasts, or crossing and re-crossing the legs to draw attention to them.
Gestures
¬ As well as overall body posture, the gestures we use can signal
interest, attraction and invitation – or discomfort, dislike and rejection.
¬ When flirting, it is important to be aware of these non-verbal
cues, both in 'reading' your partner's body-language and in controlling the
messages you are sending with your own gestures.
¬ In conversation, gestures are mainly used to enliven, clarify
and 'punctuate' our speech, or to show responsiveness to what the other person
is saying. In a flirtatious encounter, the amount of gesticulation, the
directions of the gestures and the co-ordination of gestures can indicate the
degree of interest and involvement your partner feels towards you.
¬ Different cultures vary widely in the amount of gesticulation
that accompanies their speech (Italians say that you can silence an Italian by
tying his hands behind his back), and even within a single culture, some people
naturally express themselves more through gestures than others. Generally,
however, someone who is interested in you will be more lively and animated in
conversation, using more gestures when speaking in order to keep your
attention, and more responsive gestures to show interest when you are speaking.
¬ Similarly, you can signal interest in your partner, and keep
his/her attention focused on you, by enhancing your speech with appropriate
gestures: shifting your hands or head slightly at the end of sentences, using
downward hand movements to emphasise a point, 'projecting' what you are saying
towards your partner by open-palm hand movements and so on. When your partner
is speaking, you can show responsiveness by nodding in agreement, throwing up
your hands in surprise, bringing them together in a 'silent clap' of
appreciation, etc.
¬ Researchers have found that nodding can be used to 'regulate'
conversations. If you make single, brief nods while your partner is speaking,
these act as simple signs of attentiveness, which will maintain the flow of
communication from the speaker. Double nods will change the rate at which the
other person speaks, usually speeding up the flow, while triple nods or single,
slow nods often interrupt the flow altogether, confusing speakers so much that
they stop in their tracks. So, if you want to express interest and keep your
partner chatting with you, stick to brief single nods.
¬ You can also watch for gestures which indicate anxiety and
nervousness, such as hand-clasping movements and palm-rubbing. As a general
rule, anxious gestures are directed towards the anxious person's own body
(known as 'proximal' movements), while 'distal' movements, directed away from
the body, are a sign of confidence. As well as watching for these signals in
your partner, you can control the impression you are making by using more
confident, 'distal' gestures.
¬ As with posture, the greatest involvement and harmony is
achieved when gestures are synchronised – when the movements of one person are
echoed or reflected by the other. You may have noticed that this tends to
happen naturally between people who like each other and get on well together.
Watch pairs of lovers in a bar or pub, and you will see that they often tend to
lift their drinks and take a sip at the same time, and that many of their other
body movements and gestures will be similarly synchronised. Psychologists call this
'interactional synchrony' or 'gestural dance', and some of their research
findings indicate that the timing of matched gestures may be accurate down to
fractions of a second.
¬ Although this synchronisation normally happens without conscious
effort, you can use it as a highly effective flirting technique. If you feel
the conversation is not flowing easily, or you and partner seem awkward and
uncomfortable with each other, try to be more sensitive to the patterns of
his/her gestures and body movements, and to reflect these in your own body
language.
¬ If your partner spontaneously begins to synchronise his/her body
language with yours, this is a sign that he/she feels comfortable with you. Men
should not assume that it necessarily indicates sexual interest, however. Women
can avoid creating this impression by reducing synchronisation, adopting a more
'closed' posture and avoiding the use of gestures which are specifically
associated with flirtatious behaviour. In experiments, female hair-flipping and
head-tossing were among the (non-contact) gestures most often regarded as
sexually flirtatious, along with repeated leg-crossing and movements designed
to draw attention to the breasts.
Facial
expression
Ø An ability to 'read' and interpret the facial expressions of
your partner will improve your chances of successful flirting, as will
awareness of what you are signalling with your own expressions.
Ø Some expressions can be effective even from a distance, as in
the 'across a crowded room' encounter with a stranger. The 'eyebrow-flash', for
example, which involves raising the eyebrows very briefly – for about one-sixth
of a second – is used almost universally as a long-distance greeting signal.
When you see someone you know, but are not near enough to speak, the eyebrow-flash
shows that you have noticed and recognised them.
Ø We all use this non-verbal "Hello!" in situations
where we cannot use the verbal equivalent, either because of distance or social
convention. Watch a video of Andrew and Fergie's wedding, for example, and you
will see that Fergie performs frequent eyebrow-flashes as she walks down the
aisle. Social etiquette does not allow a bride to call out cheery greetings to
her friends and relations during the ceremony, but the highly sociable Fergie
is clearly unable to refrain from signalling the same greetings with her
eyebrows.
Ø If you are desperate to attract the attention of an attractive
stranger across a crowded party, you could try an eyebrow-flash. This should
make your target think that you must be a friend or acquaintance, even though
he or she does not recognise you. When you approach, your target may thus
already be wondering who you are. You can, if you are skilful, use this
confusion to initiate a lively discussion about where you might have met before.
Such conversations inevitably centre on possible shared interests or friends or
habits, and invariably involve mutual disclosure of at least some personal
information. As you will learn from the 'Verbal flirting' sections of this
Guide, these are essential ingredients of successful flirting. So, assuming
your target finds you attractive, an eyebrow-flash with appropriate follow-up
could leapfrog you into instant intimacy.
Ø Two warnings are necessary here: 1) If your target does not find
you attractive, the eyebrow-flash strategy may backfire, as the confusion over
whether or not you already know each other will be experienced as unpleasant
and annoying, rather than amusing. 2) Do not use the eyebrow-flash in Japan,
where it has definite sexual connotations and is therefore never used as a
greeting signal.
Ø If your target is attracted to you, this may be more evident in
facial expressions than in words. Studies have found that women are generally
better than men at reading these expressions, but that both sexes have equal
difficulty in seeing through people's expressions when they are controlling
their faces to hide their real feelings.
Ø The problem is that although faces do express genuine feelings,
any facial expression that occurs naturally can also be produced artificially
for a social purpose. Smiles and frowns, to take the most obvious examples, can
be spontaneous expressions of happiness or anger, but they can also be
manufactured as deliberate signals, such as frowning to indicate doubt or displeasure,
smiling to signal approval or agreement, etc. Feelings can also be hidden under
a 'social' smile, a 'stiff upper lip' or a blank, 'inscrutable' expression.
Ø Despite this potential for 'deceit', we rely more on facial
expressions than on any other aspect of body language. In conversation, we
watch our companions' faces rather than their hands or feet, and rely on their
facial signals to tell us what effect we are having, and how to interpret what
they say. Although people are better at controlling their facial expressions
than other aspects of body language, there is still some 'leakage', and the
following clues will help you to detect insincerity.
Ø Let's say your target smiles at you. How do you know whether
this smile is spontaneous or manufactured? There are four ways of telling the
difference. First, spontaneous smiles produce characteristic wrinkles around
the eyes, which will not appear if your target is 'forcing' a smile out of
politeness. Second, 'forced' or 'social' smiles tend to be asymmetrical
(stronger on the left side of the face in right-handed people and on the right
side of the face in left-handed people).The third clue to insincerity is in the
timing of the smile: unspontaneous smiles tend to occur at socially
inappropriate moments in the conversation (e.g. a few seconds after you have
made a funny remark, rather than immediately). Finally, there is a clue in the
duration of the smile, as a manufactured smile tends to be held for longer
(what is often called a 'fixed' smile) and then to fade in an irregular way.
Ø When observing your target's facial expressions, it is important
to remember that although an expressive face – showing amusement, surprise,
agreement etc. at the appropriate moments – may indicate that your target
returns your interest, people do naturally differ in their degree and style of
emotional expression. Women naturally tend to smile more than men, for example,
and to show emotions more clearly in their facial expressions.
Ø You are also likely to interpret expressions differently
depending on who is making them. Experiments have shown that people may read
the same expression as 'fear' when they see it on a female face, but as 'anger'
when it appears on male face. There are also cultural and even regional
differences in the amount of emotion people express with their faces. Oriental
people are more likely than Westerners to hide their emotions under a 'blank'
expression or a smile, for example, and American researchers have found that in
the US, Notherners smile less than people from the South.
Ø If an attractive stranger smiles at you, it could be that he or
she finds you attractive, but he or she could also be an outgoing, sociable
person from a culture or region in which smiling is commonplace and not
particularly meaningful.
Ø These factors must also be taken into account when considering
the effect of your own facial expressions. People tend to be put off by levels
of expressiveness that are considerably higher or lower than what they are used
to, so it could help to try to 'match' the amount of emotion you express with
your face to that of your target.
Ø As a general rule, however, your face should be constantly
informative during a flirtatious conversation. Unexpressiveness – a blank,
unchanging face – will be interpreted as lack of interest when you are
listening and an absence of facial emphasis when you are speaking will be
disturbing and off-putting. You need to show interest and comprehension when
listening, and to promote interest and comprehension when speaking, through
facial signals such as eyebrows raised to display surprise, as a question mark
or for emphasis; the corners of the mouth turning up in amusement; nodding to
indicate agreement; frowning in puzzlement; smiling to show approval, or to
indicate that what you are saying should not be taken too seriously, and so on.
Ø Fortunately, most of these facial signals are habitual, and do
not have to be consciously manufactured, but some awareness of your facial
expressions can help you to monitor their effect and make minor adjustments to
put your target more at ease, for example, or hold his or her attention, or
increase the level of intimacy.
Ø Finally, remember that your target is unlikely to be
scrutinising you for tiny signs of insincerity, so a 'social' smile will be
infinitely more attractive than no smile at all.
Touch
Ø Touching is a powerful, subtle and complex form of
communication. In social situations, the language of touch can be used to
convey a surprising variety of messages. Different touches can be used to
express agreement, affection, affiliation or attraction; to offer support; to
emphasise a point; to call for attention or participation; to guide and direct;
to greet; to congratulate; to establish or reinforce power-relations and to
negotiate levels of intimacy.
Ø Even the most fleeting touch can have a dramatic influence on
our perceptions and relationships. Experiments have shown that even a light,
brief touch on the arm during a brief social encounter between strangers has
both immediate and lasting positive effects. Polite requests for help or
directions, for example, produced much more positive results when accompanied
by a light touch on the arm.
Ø When flirting, it is therefore important to remember that the
language of touch, if used correctly, can help to advance the relationship, but
that inappropriate use of this powerful tool could ruin your chances forever.
Ø Although there are considerable differences between cultures in
the levels of touching that are socially acceptable, and different personalities
welcome different levels of touching, we can provide a few basic rules-of-thumb
for first encounters with strangers of the opposite sex.
Ø The first rule, for both sexes, is: touch, but be careful. Women
are much less comfortable about being touched by an opposite-sex stranger than
men, so men should take care to avoid any touches which may seem threatening or
over-familiar. Men are inclined to interpret women's friendly gestures as
sexual invitations, so women should be equally careful to avoid giving
misleading signals with over-familiar touches.
Ø This does not mean 'don't touch', as appropriate touching will
have positive benefits, but touching should initially be restricted to
universally acceptable areas and levels. As a general rule, the arm is the
safest place to touch an opposite-sex stranger. (Back pats are equally
non-sexual, but are often perceived as patronising or overbearing.) A brief,
light touch on the arm, to draw attention, express support or emphasise a
point, is likely to be acceptable and to enhance your companion's positive
feelings towards you.
Ø If even this most innocuous of touches produces a negative
reaction – such as pulling the arm away, increasing distance, frowning, turning
away or other expressions of displeasure or anxiety – you might as well give up
now. Unless your companion is exceptionally shy and reserved, negative
reactions to a simple arm-touch probably indicate dislike or distrust.
Ø If your companion finds you likeable or attractive, a brief
arm-touch should prompt some reciprocal increase in intimacy. This may not be
as obvious as a return of your arm-touch, but watch for other positive
body-language signals, such as increased eye-contact, moving closer to you,
more open posture or postural echo, more smiling, etc. Your arm-touch may even
prompt an increase in verbal intimacy, so listen for any disclosure of personal
information, or more personal questions.
Ø If you see or hear signs of a positive reaction to your
arm-touch, you can, after a reasonable interval, try another arm-touch, this
time slightly less fleeting. If this results in a further escalation of verbal
or non-verbal intimacy from your companion, you might consider moving to the
next stage: a hand-touch.
Ø Remember that a hand-touch, unless it is the conventional
handshake of greeting or parting, is much more personal than an arm-touch. By
touching your companion's hand, you are opening negotiations towards a higher
degree of intimacy, so keep it light and brief: a question, not an order.
Ø A negative reaction to your hand-touch, such as the non-verbal
signals of displeasure or anxiety mentioned above, does not necessarily mean
that your companion dislikes you, but it is a clear indication that your
attempt to advance to the next level of intimacy is either premature or
unwelcome. A very positive reaction, involving a significant increase in verbal
or non-verbal intimacy, can be taken as permission to try another hand-touch at
an appropriate moment.
Ø Highly positive reactions to a second hand-touch – such as a
definite and unambiguous attempt to move closer to you, reciprocal arm- and
hand-touching, along with significantly more personal questions, more
disclosure of personal information and more expression of emotion – can be
taken as permission to proceed, with caution, to a higher level of intimacy.
The next stages might involve a hand-squeeze or hand-hold, repeated twice
before moving on to an arm over the shoulders, or perhaps a brief knee-touch.
(Males should note, however, that positive reactions to any of these touches
can not be taken as permission to grope.)
Ø You will have noticed that we advise performing each touch two
times before progressing to the next level. This is because repeating the same
touch, perhaps with a slightly longer duration, allows you to check that
reactions are still positive, that you were not mistaken in your judgement that
the touch was acceptable. The repetition also tells your companion that the
first touch was not accidental or unconscious, that you are consciously negotiating
for an increase in intimacy. Repeating the same touch before moving to the next
level is a non-verbal way of saying "Are you sure?".
Vocal
signals
¬ You may be surprised to see this heading in the 'Non-verbal
flirting' section, but 'verbal' means 'words' and vocal signals such as tone of
voice, pitch, volume, speed of speech, etc. are like body-language in that they
are not about what you say, the words you use, but about how you say it.
¬ We noted at the beginning of this 'non-verbal' section that
people's first impressions of you are based 55% on your appearance and body
language, 38% on your style of speaking and only 7% on what you actually say.
In other words, body-language may be your most important 'flirting tool', but
vocal signals come a very close second. The more you think about that 38%, the
more concerned you will be to ensure that your vocal signals make the best
possible impression. An ability to 'read' the vocal signals of the person you
are flirting with will also help you to find out how he or she really feels
about you.
¬ Attraction and interest, for example, are communicated much more
by the tone of voice than by what is actually said. Depending on the tone,
volume, speed and pitch, even a simple phrase such as "Good evening"
can convey anything from "Wow, you're gorgeous" to "I find you
totally uninteresting and I'm looking for an excuse to get away from you as
quickly as possible".
¬ If your target gives you a deep-toned, low pitched, slow,
drawn-out "Good evening", with a slight rising intonation at the end,
as though asking a question, this is probably an indication of attraction or at
least interest. If you get a short, high-pitched, clipped "Good
evening", or a monotone, expressionless version, your target is probably
not interested in you.
¬ Once you are in conversation, remember that the intonation of
even a single word can communicate an immense variety of emotions and meanings.
As an experiment, try practising variations in your intonation of the one-word
response "Yeah", and you will find that you can communicate anything
from enthusiastic agreement to grudging acceptance to varying degrees of
scepticism to total disbelief.
¬ If you speak in a monotone, with little variation in pitch, pace
or tone of voice, you will be perceived as boring and dull, even if what you
are saying is truly fascinating or exceptionally amusing. Loud volume, a
booming tone and too much variation in pitch will make you seem overbearing.
Speak too quietly or too slowly and you will seem submissive or even depressed.
Aim for moderation in volume and tone, with enough variation in pitch and pace
to hold your companion's interest.
¬ Also remember that a rising or falling intonation, especially
when accompanied by a drop in volume, is a 'turn-yielding cue', whereby speakers
signal that they have finished what they are saying and are ready to listen to
the other person. When you hear these vocal signals, your companion is probably
indicating that it is your turn to speak. When your companion hears these
signals, he or she may well assume that you are 'yielding' the floor. If you
frequently end sentences on a rising or falling intonation, with a drop in
volume, and then carry on without allowing your companion to speak, he or she
will become frustrated. Taking your turn when your companion has not given any
vocal 'turn-yielding cues', even if he or she has finished a sentence, will be
perceived as interruption, and is equally irritating.
Verbal
flirting
ü Although your target's initial impressions of you will depend
more on your appearance, body language and voice than on what you actually say,
successful flirting also requires good conversation skills.
ü The 'art' of verbal flirting is really just a matter of knowing
the rules of conversation, the unwritten laws of etiquette governing talking
and listening. The best and most enjoyable conversations may seem entirely
spontaneous, but the people involved are still obeying rules. The difference is
that they are following the rules automatically, without consciously trying,
just as skilled, experienced drivers do not have think about changing gears.
But understanding how the rules of conversation work – like learning how and
when to change gears – will help you to converse more fluently, and flirt more
successfully.
ü Studies have shown that women tend to be more skilled at
informal social conversation than men, both because they are naturally more
socially sensitive, and because they have better verbal/communication skills.
(Men make up for this with superior visual-spatial abilities, but these are not
much help in verbal flirting.) Men can, of course, easily learn to be as
skilled in the art of conversation as women – it is only a matter of following
a few simple rules – but some do not take the trouble to learn, or may be
unaware of their deficiencies in this area. Those males who do take the trouble
to improve their conversation skills (perhaps by reading this Guide) have a
definite advantage in the flirting stakes.
Opening
lines
v When the subject of flirting comes up, most people seem to be
obsessed with the issue of 'opening lines' or 'chat-up lines'. Men talk about
lines that work and lines that have failed; women laugh about men's use of
hackneyed or awkward opening lines, and all of us, whether we admit it or not,
would like to find the perfect, original, creative way to strike up a
conversation with someone we find attractive.
v The answer, perhaps surprisingly, is that your opening line is
really not very important, and all this striving for originality and wit is a
wasted effort. The fact is that conversational 'openers' are rarely original,
witty or elegant, and no-one expects them to be so. The best 'openers' are,
quite simply, those which can easily be recognised as 'openers' – as attempts
to start a conversation.
v The traditional British comment on the weather ("Nice day,
isn't it?" or "Doesn't feel much like summer, eh?", etc.) will
do just fine, as everyone knows that it is a conversation-starter. The fact
that these comments are phrased as questions, or with a rising 'interrogative'
intonation, does not mean that the speaker is unsure about the quality of the
weather and requires confirmation: it means that the speaker is inviting a
response in order to start a conversation.
v In Britain, it is universally understood that such
weather-comments have nothing to do with the weather, and they are universally
accepted as conversation-starters. Saying "Lovely day, isn't it?" (or
a rainy-day equivalent) is the British way of saying "I'd like to talk to
you; will you talk to me?"
v A friendly response , including positive body language, means
"Yes, I'll talk to you"; a monosyllabic response (accompanied by
body-language signalling lack of interest) means "No, I don't want to talk
to you", and no verbal response at all, with body language signalling
annoyance or dislike, means "Shut up and go away".
v If you are indoors – say at a party or in a bar – and nowhere
near a window, some equally innocuous general comment on your surroundings
("Bit crowded, isn't it?", "Not very lively here tonight,
eh?") or on the food, drink, music, etc., will serve much the same purpose
as the conventional weather-comment. The words are really quite unimportant,
and there is no point in striving to be witty or amusing: just make a vague,
impersonal comment, either phrased as a question or with a rising intonation as
though you were asking a question.
v This formula – the impersonal interrogative comment – has
evolved as the standard method of initiating conversation with strangers
because it is extremely effective. The non-personal nature of the comment makes
it unthreatening and non-intrusive; the interrogative (questioning) tone or
'isn't it?' ending invites a response, but is not as demanding as a direct or
open question.
v There is a big difference between an interrogative comment such
as "Terrible weather, eh?" and a direct, open question such as
"What do you think of this weather?". The direct question demands and
requires a reply, the interrogative comment allows the other person to respond
minimally, or not respond at all, if he or she does not wish to talk to you.
v In some social contexts – such as those involving sports,
hobbies, learning, business or other specific activities – the assumption of
shared interests makes initiating conversation much easier, as your opening
line can refer to some aspect of the activity in question. In some such
contexts, there may even be a ritual procedure to follow for initiating
conversation with a stranger. At the races, for example, anyone can ask anyone
"What's your tip for the next?" or "What do you fancy in the
3.30?", a ritual opening which effectively eliminates all the usual
awkwardness of approaching a stranger.
v Unless the context you are in provides such a convenient ritual,
use the IIC (Impersonal Interrogative Comment) formula. This formula can be
adapted to almost any situation or occasion. Just make a general, impersonal
comment on some aspect of the event, activity, circumstances or surroundings,
with a rising intonation or 'isn't it?' type of ending. Your target will
recognise this as a conversation-starter, and his or her response will tell you
immediately whether or not it is welcomed.
v There are of course degrees of positive and negative response to
an IIC. The elements you need to listen for are length, personalising and
questioning. As a general rule, the longer the response, the better. If your
target responds to your comment with a reply of the same length or longer, this
is a good sign. A personalised response, i.e. one including the word 'I' (as in,
for example, "Yes, I love this weather") is even more positive. A
personalised response ending in a question or interrogative (rising) intonation
(as in "I thought it was supposed to clear up by this afternoon?") is
even better, and a personalised response involving a personalised question,
i.e. a response including the words 'I' and 'you', is the most positive of all.
v So, if you say "Nice day, isn't it?" and your target
replies "Yes, I was getting so tired of all that rain, weren't you?",
you are definitely in with a chance. Note that there is nothing original, witty
or clever about the above exchange. You may even be inclined to dismiss it as
polite, boring and insignificant. In fact, a great deal of vital social
information has been exchanged. The opener has been recognised as a friendly
invitation to a conversation, the invitation has been accepted, the target has
revealed something about him/herself, expressed interest in you, and even
suggested that you might have something in common!
v The biggest mistake most people make with opening lines is to
try to start a flirtation, rather than simply trying to start a conversation.
If you think about your opening line as initiating a conversation, rather than
starting a flirtation, use the IIC formula and pay close attention to the
verbal and non-verbal response, you cannot go wrong. Even if your target does
not find you attractive and declines your invitation to talk, you will avoid
causing offence and you will avoid the humiliation of a direct rejection.
Turn-taking
¬ Once you have initiated a conversation with your chosen target,
your success in making a favourable impression will depend as much on your
social skills as on what you say.
¬ We have probably all met at least one person who is highly
articulate, witty and amusing, but who loses friends and alienates people by
hogging the conversation, not allowing others to get a word in. You may also
have come across the equally irritating strong, silent type who makes you do
all the 'work' in the conversation – who never asks a question, never expresses
interest and makes no effort to keep the conversation flowing.
¬ What you have to say may be fascinating, and you may express it
with great eloquence, but if you have not grasped the basic social skills
involved in conversational turn-taking, you will be perceived as arrogant and
unpleasant, and neither your target nor anyone else will enjoy your company.
¬ The basic rule on how much to talk is very simple: try to make
your contribution to the conversation roughly equal to that of your partner.
The essence of a good conversation, and a successful flirtation, is
reciprocity: give-and-take, sharing, exchange, with both parties contributing
equally as talkers and as listeners.
¬ Achieving this reciprocity requires an understanding of the
etiquette of turn-taking, knowing when to take your turn, as well as when and
how to 'yield the floor' to your partner. So, how do you know when it is your
turn to speak? Pauses are not necessarily an infallible guide – one study found
that the length of the average pause during speech was 0.807 seconds, while the
average pause between speakers was shorter, only 0.764 seconds. In other words,
people clearly used signals other than pauses to indicate that they had
finished speaking.
¬ In previous sections of the Guide, we have described in detail
the various non-verbal signals people use to show that they have finished what
they are saying, and that it is your turn to speak. These include eye-contact
signals (remember that people look away more when they are speaking, so when
they look back at you, this often indicates that it is your turn) and vocal
signals such as rising or falling intonation, with a drop in volume. This may
be accompanied by verbal 'turn-yielding' signals, such as the completion of a
clause or 'tailing off' into meaningless expressions such as "you
know".
¬ As a general rule, the more of these turn-yielding cues occur
simultaneously, the more likely it is that your partner has finished and
expects you to speak. Watching and listening for these clues will help you to
avoid interrupting, and also to avoid awkward gaps and lengthy pauses in the
conversation.
Talking
ü This Guide clearly cannot tell you exactly what to say, what
words to use, in a flirtatious conversation, but it is possible to provide some
general guidelines on what you talk about, and how you express yourself,
particularly in terms of mistakes and pitfalls to avoid.
ü Negativity, for example, is real turn-off. If you talk too much
about the bad side of things, and constantly complain about the world or your
own problems, your partner will soon get bored and fed up. Other
characteristics that research has identified as particularly boring or
off-putting include self-preoccupation (talking too much about yourself and showing
too little interest in others), banality (only talking about superficial
things, repeating hackneyed jokes and stories), tediousness (talking too
slowly, pausing too long, taking too long to make a point), passivity (failing
to take full part in the conversation or express opinions), lack of enthusiasm
(talking in a monotone, not making eye-contact, expressing too little emotion),
over-seriousness (using a serious tone of voice and expression, even when your
partner is trying to be light-hearted or humorous) and over-excitement (easily
sidetracked, engaging in too much meaningless chatter, too much slang).
ü Compliments, on the other hand, are almost universally welcomed,
and do not have to be witty or original. In an analysis of 600 verbatim
compliments, linguists found that they tend to follow a tried-and-tested
formula, with the word "nice" occurring in nearly 25% of the
compliments studied, and the word "you" in almost 75%. In other
words, you should not be afraid of paying simple, unflowery compliments such as
"That's a nice jacket" or "That colour really suits you",
as they can be very effective.
ü Clearly, excessive use of compliments will make you seem
ingratiating, and your partner may become bored with too much suffocating
niceness, but of all the ways you can bore someone, studies have shown that
this is the least offensive.
ü Males should, however, avoid paying women embarrassing or
potentially offensive compliments. This is not a matter of 'political
correctness', but of basic social skills. Some men need to learn that it is
entirely possible to convey to a female friend or acquaintance that you find
her physically attractive, without being crass or intrusive.
ü A simple, admiring comment such as "You look lovely (or
pretty, or stunning)" is enough. Anything more explicit will only cause
embarrassment or offence. The body-language must be right as well: address the
compliment to her face, not to her chest, and without leering or what the
Americans call 'elevator eyes' (eyes travelling up and down the body).
ü Timing is equally important: there are times, places and
situations where any comment on a woman's appearance, however innocent, would
be inappropriate and potentially offensive. It is not possible to list all
these situations here, but as a rule-of-thumb, only comment on a woman's
appearance a) if you know her well enough (this kind of compliment should not
be used as an opening line, but only at a much later stage in flirtatious
conversation) and b) at times, places and situations where appearance is
relevant – i.e. where it would be acceptable to comment on a man's appearance.
If the situation is not one in which you would compliment a male acquaintance
on his flattering new jacket or haircut, do not comment on a female's
appearance either.
ü (Males please note: 80% of women think that they are too fat. In
one American survey, women were asked what were the three words they would most
like to hear from a male partner. The most common answer was not, as expected,
"I love you", but "You've lost weight". While you should
not make any comment on a woman's figure unless you know her well, this
compliment might please a girlfriend or close female friend.)
Listening
Ø Good listeners have distinct advantages in the flirting stakes,
but being a good listener is not just about shutting up and letting the other
person talk (although this certainly helps). Good listening is essentially
about giving good 'feedback', which involves giving both verbal and non-verbal
signals to show that you are a) paying attention, and b) interested.
Ø Effective non-verbal feedback signals include nodding, smiling,
responsive facial expressions and leaning forwards, accompanied by general
positive body language such as 'open' posture and posture/gesture echo. Good
verbal feedback signals include the use of expressions such as
"mm-hmm", "yeah", "mmm", "ah" to show
interest or agreement and to encourage the other person to continue.
Ø Research has shown that these basic feedback signals are highly
effective in winning friends and influencing people. They can even result in
concrete, tangible rewards: studies have found, for example, that candidates
who give this sort of feedback during job interviews are more likely to be
successful than those who do not. Even just a few nods can significantly
improve your chances, both in interviews and in flirtatious conversation.
Ø Another effective good-listener technique is 'paraphrasing'. To
show that you are paying attention and interested, and to encourage your
partner to tell you more, it can help if you occasionally sum up what your
partner has said, as in "…so you were stranded at the station with no
money! How did you get home?" This paraphrasing will be particularly
helpful if your partner seems a bit shy, insecure or anxious, as it will make
him or her feel more confident.
Ø You may have noticed that the question at the end of the
'paraphrasing' example was an 'open' question, rather than a 'closed' question
requiring only a yes or no response. If you want to encourage your partner to
talk, try to ask more open questions, such as "What kind of food do you
like?" than closed questions such as "Do you like Chinese food?"
Ø If you are not sure about the difference, remember that open
questions begin with one of the following words: Who, What, When, Where, How,
Why. Journalists and personnel managers are taught to ask questions beginning
with these words in interviews, to encourage job candidates and sources to give
detailed replies, but they are equally effective in informal social
conversation – particularly in flirting!
Reciprocal
disclosure
v One of the most important aspects of verbal flirting is what
psychologists call 'reciprocal disclosure' – the exchange of personal
information. In fact, unless partners disclose at least some personal details,
the conversation can hardly be called a flirtation.
v When you first meet, these details do not have to be
particularly intimate: disclosure of almost any personal information, even
something as innocent as the fact that one likes warm weather or Italian food, is
a move towards intimacy.
v If your partner discloses some such detail, you should
reciprocate as soon as possible by revealing some similar information about
yourself, perhaps 'raising the ante' a little by making your disclosure
slightly more personal. If your partner likes you, he or she will probably try
to 'match' your disclosure with one of similar value. Reciprocal disclosure of
this kind is a much more subtle and less threatening route to intimacy than
asking direct personal questions.
v The key to successful flirtation is to escalate the level of
intimacy gradually, always maintaining a balance between your disclosures and
those of your partner. Avoid getting too far ahead by revealing too much, or
lagging behind by revealing too little.
v Women should be aware that men tend to interpret disclosure of
personal information as a sign of sexual availability, and be particularly
careful about how much they reveal.
Humour
Ø Humour is a powerful flirting tool. It is almost impossible to
flirt successfully or enjoyably without it, and yet it can easily backfire if
abused or misused.
Ø On the positive side, studies have shown that people who use
humour in social encounters are perceived as more likeable, and that both trust
and attraction increase when a light-hearted approach is used. Judicious use of
humour can reduce anxiety and establish a relaxed mood which helps a
relationship to develop more rapidly. A slightly risqué joke can help to
escalate the level of intimacy in a flirtatious conversation.
Ø On the negative side, inappropriate use of humour can kill a
promising flirtation stone dead in a matter of seconds. Making a risqué joke or
comment too early, for example, before a reasonable degree of intimacy has been
established, is the verbal equivalent of a bum-pinch. Men are generally more
likely to make this kind of fatal mistake than women. Women, however, need to
be even more cautious in their use of sexual humour, as men will be inclined to
interpret this as a sign of sexual availability.
Ø While it is clearly important to avoid causing offence or giving
misleading signals, humour is an essential element of flirtation. Flirting is
by definition a light-hearted, playful form of interaction. A flirtatious
encounter may eventually lead to a 'serious', long-term relationship, but too
much seriousness in the early stages is off-putting. Even in the longer term, a
capacity for light-hearted playfulness is important. It is no accident that so
many single people seeking partners through the personal ads include 'gsoh'
(good sense of humour) in their requirements.
Ø Humour can clearly help to reduce tension and awkwardness in the
early stages of a flirtatious encounter. In the section on opening lines, we
advised the use of phrases which are universally recognised as 'conversation-starters',
such as comments on the weather. A touch of humour can make these openers even
more effective. There is no need for elaborate attempts at wit: a simple twist
such as "Lovely day, isn't it?" during a torrential downpour will
raise a smile if your target finds you attractive. (If your target does not
find you attractive, more elaborate efforts will be no more effective.)
Ø Once some degree of mutual attraction has been established, the
use of humour in flirtatious conversations tends to come naturally, as both
parties are motivated to keep their target amused and interested. Our natural
instinct is to try to make the other person smile. We need constant reassurance
that we are liked and appreciated by the object of our attraction, and smiles
and laughter provide that reassurance.
Ø One particular form of humour, playful teasing, is particularly
common in flirtatious encounters. This is because playful teasing allows
partners to increase the 'personal' content of the exchange, while keeping the
tone light-hearted and non-serious, thus escalating the level of disclosure and
intimacy in a non-threatening manner. Men respond particularly well to this
form of humour, as it closely resembles the 'mock-arguments' and good-humoured
exchanges of insults which are their normal means of expressing friendship
among themselves.
Ø The most common mistakes in flirtatious use of humour involve
opposite extremes. Men are more likely to over-use humour or monopolise the
joke-telling, and fail to notice that their companion is bored or frustrated.
Women sometimes have a tendency to under-use humour – to adopt a serious tone
when their companion would be more comfortable with light-hearted banter. There
are many exceptions, of course: we've all met heavy-going men and raucous
women, but most studies show that women are generally more cautious in their
use of humour, while men are more inclined to avoid heart-to-heart seriousness.
Ø If you feel you may sometimes be guilty of either excessive or
inadequate use of humour, watch your companion carefully for signs of boredom
or embarrassment – such as feet or body turning away from you, forced smiles,
reduced eye-contact, reduced verbal attention-signals, fidgeting, defensive
arm-crossing, etc. If you are overdoing the humour, these would be your cues to
tone it down a bit. If you are being too serious, lighten up!
Parting
v Your approach to leave-taking after a flirtatious conversation
is of critical importance, as it will determine your future relationship with
your companion.
v Many flirtatious encounters are of naturally short duration –
where it is understood that there are no serious intentions, merely an
ego-boosting acknowledgement of mutual attraction. These light-hearted 'brief
encounters' are part of normal social interaction, and only the pathetic or
desperate would imagine that every passing exchange of flirtatious banter is a
prelude to matrimony.
v Flirting would not, however, be such a universal feature of
human interaction if it did not occasionally serve some more long-term purpose
– such as sex, reproduction, the survival of the species, etc. While there is
no harm in practising our flirting skills just for the fun of it, there will be
some occasions when we wish to pursue the relationship, and a cheery, unconcerned
"Bye, then" or "Nice meeting you" will not do. This is when
parting words and gestures take on greater significance.
v Every salesperson knows that there is little point in
establishing a great rapport with potential customers, attracting their interest,
gaining their trust and so on, if you fail to 'close' – 'closing' being
sales-speak for actually making the sale, securing the contract, getting the
customer to hand over money or sign on the dotted line. Sales staff are
specifically trained in 'closing techniques' to help them achieve this
all-important goal.
v In the same way, if you are genuinely attracted to your flirting
partner, and want to see him or her again, none of the flirting skills in this
Guide will be much use unless you can 'close' effectively. In this case, your
goal in 'closing' is to secure not a contract or a sale, but the chance to meet
again.
v At the risk of rejection, this is the moment when you must be
explicit about your wishes. Subtle hints and positive body-language will help
you to get to this point, and careful observation of your partner's reactions
will tell you whether your 'closing' is likely to be successful, but these
techniques cannot, by themselves, get you a phone number or a date! You have to
ask. And the most effective strategy is simple honesty. You don't have to
declare undying love, just ask: "Would you like to meet for a drink
sometime next week?" (or some equivalent, the exact words are unimportant,
but it must a be a clear request). If making a date on the spot would be
awkward or inappropriate, say something like: "Perhaps we could meet again
sometime – could I have your phone number?"
v Some American 'dating manuals' recommend that you precede this
request with a statement such as "I've really enjoyed talking with you and
I'd like to see you again". You are welcome to do this if you wish, but it
would seem to be already implicit in the request for a date or phone number,
and therefore somewhat superfluous.
v Dating manuals and articles in glossy women's magazines also
constantly insist that it is perfectly acceptable nowadays for women to take
the initiative in asking men out. In fact, they never fail to exclaim, men love
it when women take the initiative. This is quite true, and if you read the more
scientific research on the subject, you will find out why. The studies and
experiments show that men perceive women who take the initiative in asking a
man out as more sexually available. To put it more bluntly, if a woman asks
them out, they think they have a better chance of 'scoring'. Naturally, they
are delighted.
v If you are female, and wish to avoid giving this impression,
there is a simple solution. Instead of asking for his phone number, offer your
own. Say something like: "Maybe we could have a drink sometime? – here's
my number". This makes it perfectly clear that you are interested, but
still requires the man to take the initiative in asking for a date.
v You are of course free to dismiss this suggestion as hopelessly
old-fashioned, sexist, pandering to double-standards, etc. It is not the place
of this Guide to make moral judgements about flirting, merely to provide
information on the latest scientific findings. Flirting has been part of human
behaviour for thousands of years, and whether we approve or not, the latest
findings show that not much has changed. Males have always tended towards an
over-optimistic interpretation of female signals, and females have always
adjusted their signals to encourage only selected males.
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